Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable