Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors