Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
You Might Also Like
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
File under excellent bookstore names.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.