Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Velcrow

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Y’all ready for this

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.