Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.