Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO