Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

🙂🙃🥹

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?