Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.