TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess