TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
how to have fun when you’re poor
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]