TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I have a black belt in leather
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
PARKOUR
Meth is short for Elizameth.