TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
“Life Hacks” by Lizzie Borden is my favorite self help book.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.