TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
See..?
.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard