I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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no regrets
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.