Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

pizza

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them