Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Is this a threat?

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

this has done me in for some reason

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala