Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.