Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.