TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
excuse me
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.