Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.