Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Well, that should do it

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?