Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

watching gymnastics

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.