“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial