Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”