Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
This meal prepping shit is easy
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not