trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering