trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
the clam before the storm
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.