Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Room with a view.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Britain be like
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me