Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
