Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”