Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”