TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
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