TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
don’t we all
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My god she’s good.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!