Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.