Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Unmatched

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica