TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
You Might Also Like
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too