TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
at ease…shoulder.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The little toadstool has spoken.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.