TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.