Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

The Joker was right

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot