Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

new dr. seuss book dropping:

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣