Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”