Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
X-tra spooky blend
