Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.