Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.