Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

😜

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.