Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”