Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

It will always be this

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

me hooking up with my ex

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately