Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
seems fine
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!