Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?