Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
You Might Also Like
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…