Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

i love meeting boys on tinder

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community