Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
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Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.