Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.