Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.