Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.