Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

I am all good here, 😂😉