Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*