@RobbieGramer

Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

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@Rlpihl

First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”

@noneofyours99

“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

@DorsaAmir

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

@stanleybehrman

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

@staufff

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

@texasstalkermom

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.