Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

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First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”


“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?


Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.


Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.


Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.


Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.


First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos


If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.


Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.