Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?