Trumpy Cat
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed