Trumpy Cat
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it