Trumpy Cat
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If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country