Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.