Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays