Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

Me driving through Toronto

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.