Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?