“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water